I am failing. I am getting fatter. I got on the scale today and I was nearly 3 pounds heavier than the day I took pictures of my fat. I feel awful.
I think my back is healing as quickly as it should but because of all the weight I have gained, I feel broken. At first I thought I was not healing but I really think I am too heavy to benefit the work that was done.
Today I have not really felt any pain. What I do feel is strain when I stand up. It’s like when I’m at work lifting something heavy. That’s what leads me to believe that I have actually gotten to heavy to feel the benefits of the surgery I had. I think the fat around my mid section alone probably weighs about 40 pounds.
I have to do something. I must get rid of the food I have in the house. There is nothing good for me here. I don’t know how I can afford to eat differently but it has to happen or I’m going to kill myself with my current way of living.
Sometimes I have a maddening desire for alcohol. And I live way to close to town. In fact I live in town. There are fast food restaurants, bars, hot wing places that serve beer etc. I seem to have no will power.
Am I eating because of depression or something? Probably. My life hasn’t gone exactly the way I planned in the last 12 years or so. I’m divorce, my kids went to live with their mom, and I live alone. I don’t think any woman would take a second look my way. Not that I am ready to get into another relationship at this point. I feel like my life is a wreck and I don’t know what to do about it. Changing my diet certainly is no easier than the rest of my life. I am running out of rope.
This is all a vicious circle. I don’t know where to grab a hold. I’m depressed about being fat so I eat. What kind of sense does that make? I drink because I’m depressed about not being able to lose weight and because I live alone. What is the answer? I really don’t know.
Well, tomorrow I will get rid of the food that is in my house. I will box it up and take it somewhere. That will be my first step. It’s the only step I know right now.
