At this point in my life I don’t know what is real and true and what is not, excepts for a couple of things.
- I exist here in this place and time.
- I got married at some point and had children.
- That family was broken somehow.
- God is with me, still.
I find myself hoping that the world in which I live would end, soon. I don’t like it here. I very rarely enjoy anything or anyone. Is it me? I don’t really know. I think most people would say to me, “you just need to change your outlook on life. Stop being so negative.” I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can just change your mind and be different. It has never worked that way for me.
I thought getting married would be one of the best experiences of life. It turns out it was one of the hardest things I ever tried to do. As miserable as it was, I got very angry when it ended.
I felt like I had been transported to another world. I kept hoping I would wake up one day and everything would be back to normal, but it never happened. Instead I had to get used to the world I was now in.
I have been transported a couple of times now, to different worlds. Each time I find it harder to be happy than the previous world. In my current world, like the last one, I find myself alone most of the time. In this world though, I can’t call my mom. Some of my friends have gone on to other worlds. Some remain here, suffering.
I don’t understand the process. I have never been that smart. Perhaps I never will be.
Religion has played large rolls of most of the worlds I’ve lived in. It is not a large part of this one. Oh, I hear lots of religious stuff. I’m just not listening. There are too many conflicting beliefs and interpretations and predictions that are not true. I am quite tired of religion. I’ve had enough.
God is here in this world, Jesus, His Father, just like they were in the previous worlds. Through their Spirit I am together with them. They stay with me through my sadness. They haven’t taken away my sadness. I don’t know why, but at least they are here, and that is comforting. Maybe they will take is away one day. Maybe it’s me, holding on to it. I don’t know.
My kids are in this world, though I don’t see them everyday. Sometimes I don’t feel needed by them. But then, they don’t know what or who they need. They don’t ask my advice about anything. Sometimes I give it anyway. I am their dad after all. Sometimes I impose my will on them, for their own good. I am competing against a million other influences in their lives, but I have to try. I brought them into a very dark world, and it gets darker by the minute. My desire is to get them out alive. Sometimes, most of the time, I don’t know how